Guest blog: 'I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind'

"I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind"

I found this quote whilst looking for some inspiring or witty way to start this blog. For some, it may make no sense but for others it is a feeling they know all too well. I belong firmly to the latter camp, in fact, I have lived there so long I have put down roots and built a community.

I have suffered from sporadic poor mental health for the last 12 years, almost half of my life. According to the mental health charity Mind, I am not alone. 1 in 4 of us will suffer from mental health issues each year and 1 in 6 suffer from something each week. For me, it first surfaced in secondary school at a time when mental health provision in schools was relatively unknown; no school councillor or support groups. In fact, the best offer was my teacher guiding me through some meditation techniques found on Google during her lunch break!

I now teach and I am pleased how the mental health resources available to students in school has improved. It can be outstanding and when referring students I can be confident about the support I know they need. I would have given anything to have had access to even some of them.

Now, I have navigated all the usual things in life, University, relationships, jobs and the general ups and downs of being an adult. Sure, I trip up occasionally with the odd off day or week here and there but nothing to write home about. I proudly announced to myself one day that I had this mental health malarkey ‘sorted’. Any challenges that were coming, I was ready. Bring. It.On.

Enter: Lockdown!

It turns out that ‘sorted’ actually meant being thoroughly underprepared for such a major crisis. Having long since discarded long-term therapy with a blasé wave of the hand and ignoring my mum’s warnings about finding new ways to maintain my mental fitness; through mindfulness or something else. I was so smug.

Well, I wasn’t so smug now.

Lockdown has presented many of us with a mental health challenge for which we could not have possibly prepared for and it seems fair to say some of us have been swept out to sea by it. A staggering 41% of us have been affected by mental health challenges since lockdown started, with 25% of adults saying they had suffered feelings of loneliness and experts worry about the long-term effects of such feelings.

True, some have thrived lockdown, ‘PE with Joe’ workouts, becoming star bakers ( albeit irritated when the shops sold out of flour). I opted to retreat to the part of my brain that I know oh so well; I found new worries, dusted off some old faithfuls and sunk further into my OCD than I had ever fallen before – and with nothing to distract me, cut off from everything, I just kept falling.

As Simon and Garfunkal once famously said “Hello Darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again”

My mum frequently talks about her stress cup, taking care that it doesn’t overflow. I’m pretty sure I threw mine against the wall at some point in April.

As there is light at the end of the Lockdown tunnel, I find myself being cautiously optimistic and clawing back some of my confidence. I have certainly had some learns; mental health is like physical health – it must be looked after. Talking about things really does help and means my own voice is not the only sound in my head. I am not on the only one feeling like this and it really is ok not to be ok!

My progress is steady, with the occasional setbacks but I’m better than I was even just last week and that is absolutely fine with me. Lockdown has taught us all to be kind to your mind. After all, when everywhere closes down, and everything else is stripped away, your mind is always be there. For better or worse. I have a fabulous support network who hold my hand and talk some sense into me when things get weird. I’m lucky to have them. As I sit here writing this, my OCD paws at my feet, present but with diminishing power, I’m comforted by this quote:

“On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that’s pretty good”.

#wellbeing #mentalhealth #resilience #lockdownlearns #peoplefirst